Exhale

part of me yet seeks to be

still.

exhale

without soulclawing for air

in a pain-murmuring body

holding itself hostage.

daily, i hunt armistice,

for tenuous relief

from this sisyphean shell,

forever roiling with

ebbs + echoes

of bonerooted pain-

newly validated

by nodding white coats.

the nightmare breathes inside my skin

i feel it

before my eyelids even flutter open

it whispers me awake

an agony anthem

gleefully unraveling

the sandman’s lullaby

in its midnight playground

disease has burned its brand on me

its spiderweb suffering

deepwoven into fickle DNA

seeking mastery with a conqueror’s fist

yet i

like many others

am so much more than the pain i carry

Advertisements

Tangled

what is the beauty

of bittersweet

my emotions used to be

unplugged

no matter how many switches

i flipped

demons blinded me

but now i can feel

a million million colors

it makes me proud, fierce

like a shadow stricken elephant

who remembers a time without

yet still, right now

the edges of my emotions run ragged

blurry watercolor fault lines

sun swaying and thorn cloudy

the currency of my feelings

cannot spend

and i’m left bare, confused

We Are Not Forgettable

i have a face, but we are faceless.

i have a name, but we are nameless.

health – care= our reality

labels – liability = our diagnosis

apathy redtape + pushedpills= our prescription

we’re sedated to be bleat-less sheep

led by a shepherd with earplugs

conforming quietly to the herd of checked boxes,

waiting for Dr. Bo Peep

while we suffer

while we break

while we scream inside

But i have a Face

i have a Name

And I Will Not Stop

until you see me

for all that i am.

until you see us

for all that we can be.

Hang

IMG_0137

the broken days

we all dread them.

on an oversalted afternoon,

the wheel spins + another

pain-leashed leviathan

weighs anchor in an unlucky soul.

sometimes we just borrow them

then step right back into the sun

others hang in our heart,

like Hamlet’s crooked star,

turning every bend in the road

into a promise, then a question,

and finally, a shrug.

and yet,

your humanity is what makes you beautiful

your mortality is what lets you feel so fiercely

your conscience can still change the world

don’t let nature’s pencil trace

bitter furrowed eyebrows + wasted moments

upon age softened skin

instead, simply revel in the fact that

you are loved

 

Dedicated to my Tía, and the almost absurd amount of strong, courageous, powerful, kind and wonderful women in my life. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be who I am without you! 

Diagnosis

Sometimes
i feel like me

Sometimes
i feel like an alien

has taken root
inside my hide

planted itself deep
beyond the understanding
of doctors +
scientists

+ left me
this
question mark
cripple

one who
seems whole
on the outside

so the world scorns
+ dismisses
instead of heals

while the
alien
flourishes inside
my skin

+ measures
its growth
with pain

dedicated to all those who suffer in silence

Course

There is no of course here.

553073_10100140586944813_1995380846_nWhen pain rules,

nothing is guaranteed.

molten mortal maladies

turning young veins old,

transforming a skip to a stumble.

How do you live?

How do you “stay the course”

when you aren’t in control

of your own skin?

i know tomorrow might be beautiful–

that I may run headlong into the wind,

laughing with the simple joy

of unburdened motion–

but today is unbearable.

Question

Is it enough to know

you’re strong

when you don’t

feel it?

Can’t feel it?

 

which is mightier,

the Head

or

the Heart?

 

How can I,

supposedly so strong,

be erupting with nothing but

questions?

 

Have I really accepted my fate

my label, my disease, my diagnosis

for something with no discernable

cause, cure, or treatment

 

or am I still in denial?

 

And if I don’t know,

if I’m stuck inside

this massive question mark,

then how can I ever

get better?

“You Are Stronger Than You Think: You’re Cross to Bear”

Apparently I helped to inspire this post by the incredibly warm, wise and wonderful Moon Cho. She has profound insight on most of life’s situations, the world really needs more people like this. Not just for those with illness or disease, her words are for anybody who has ever felt overwhelmed:

http://www.yingandyangliving.com/wellness/stronger-think-cross-bear/ Continue reading

Cost

i never before paid

the price of movement.

never knew the probing agony

of an ordinary gesture

detonating into thousand thousand black widows.

Now,

with the skin tax of

this disease delicately extracting

its pound of flesh,

I stand witness

to the cost of life.

To all those who suffer pain,

no matter what the root or form:

Maybe we can’t tame it…

But it can’t tame us either.

Infection

Rage bubbles inside my skin,

trapped and desperate

to breathe out,

corrode & corrupt

anyone reckless enough to be near me.

I am no child throwing a tantrum,

No scorned lover seeking revenge.

I am a young woman in my twenties

and I have a lifelong disease.

The pain, the weakness, the loss of trust in your own body

The betrayal, the loneliness, the hatred of pity

The sorrow, fear, confusion & desire to escape this skin prison

Nothing can prepare you for any of it,

especially not the pure, unadulterated fury coming to a slow boil,

the simple clarity of a “why me?” that you want to scream to the skies.

I know I can’t let this malady or any of it’s minions define me

But it’s hard to stay rational when everything inside is screaming for release.

So for today, screw being positive. I’ll find my hope again tomorrow.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.