Beautiful

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He told me i was ugly

so I knew myself beautiful

i wish that applied to only one man in my life

used to think the only way

to ever be whole again

was to set fire to their legacy

burn to charred crust

their tiny, petty cruelties

their thoughts tattooed inside my eyelids

their grimaces of approval

& sharpened malice vowels 

it has taken me far too many 

heartless heartbeats

to realize

i can only erase their fingerprints

inside my pores

if i don’t give them the power

to define me

Tangled

what is the beauty

of bittersweet

my emotions used to be

unplugged

no matter how many switches

i flipped

demons blinded me

but now i can feel

a million million colors

it makes me proud, fierce

like a shadow stricken elephant

who remembers a time without

yet still, right now

the edges of my emotions run ragged

blurry watercolor fault lines

sun swaying and thorn cloudy

the currency of my feelings

cannot spend

and i’m left bare, confused

Diagnosis

Sometimes
i feel like me

Sometimes
i feel like an alien

has taken root
inside my hide

planted itself deep
beyond the understanding
of doctors +
scientists

+ left me
this
question mark
cripple

one who
seems whole
on the outside

so the world scorns
+ dismisses
instead of heals

while the
alien
flourishes inside
my skin

+ measures
its growth
with pain

dedicated to all those who suffer in silence

Fuse

tender, unbroken mind

tries & fails

to compress the stress

of a blown fuse

 

hardwired to survive

even with too much damage

and too many scars

blue bruised

but not yet vanquished

 

despite Pain

that hooks & flays all paths

shark-swimming crossroads of

the bare brain

leaving it explosively exposed

 

the endless screech

of a broken violin string

crusted iron edged tendrils

fear screaming a whiplash web

through overworked vessels

begging for respite

 

no help comes

but with each blow

struck by each enemy

eroding my body

my soul grows stronger.

Course

There is no of course here.

553073_10100140586944813_1995380846_nWhen pain rules,

nothing is guaranteed.

molten mortal maladies

turning young veins old,

transforming a skip to a stumble.

How do you live?

How do you “stay the course”

when you aren’t in control

of your own skin?

i know tomorrow might be beautiful–

that I may run headlong into the wind,

laughing with the simple joy

of unburdened motion–

but today is unbearable.

Betrayal

Why do the movies

make betrayal

seem so glamorous?

Sleek, lush, potent, dramatic.

Heightening a lover’s quarrel

Dropping the jaw of a best friend

Snaking in to upheave a family

until it’s resolved in a 

highly comedic fashion.

 

But the reality is different.

No sexy emotions or overdone gasps

Just an unseen gut punch that 

flash fries your soul

robs your desire to breathe,

and spears you in half

 

Cost

i never before paid

the price of movement.

never knew the probing agony

of an ordinary gesture

detonating into thousand thousand black widows.

Now,

with the skin tax of

this disease delicately extracting

its pound of flesh,

I stand witness

to the cost of life.

To all those who suffer pain,

no matter what the root or form:

Maybe we can’t tame it…

But it can’t tame us either.

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